I join a group of women once a week. We have coffee , share what's happening in our lives, and what's happening in school. We are part of a group called "Mother's who Care", the mandate is to pray for our school once a week and demonstrate love through encouragement to those in the school. We sit and read some scripture from the Bible, and then we talk about it. We focus on praying for our school, the kids in it, their teachers , caregivers and volunteers that make it the great learning environment that it is. Today, we read Psalm 27:14 Wait for the LORD; be strong, take heart and wait for the LORD.
I am not a philosophical or profound writer, for that you'll have to check out the Maru. But for some reason, no doubt Divine, that verse has stuck with me all day, today.
Carpenter and I , as some of you are aware, have recently gone through some financial difficulties, which were unfortunately compounded with a bit of family drama. Now as that clears, a new disappointment is on the rise. I hate that. I hate disappointment. I admit that my walk through life has been about choosing the lesser of two disappointments sometimes, because I base my decisions on what will make me happy, or at least try to. It was one of those decisions, that I had made a few years ago that is now coming back to "bite me" as it were. Back then it was an obviously easy decision, and maybe not the right one, and one I should have consulted God a little more on. I know that I need to spend more time on my knees, with open ears towards God, and make choices based upon His word and what He wants. After all, I am a Child of God.
But that doesn't stop me from being disappointed with my current situation . I feel like Jules in the back seat of the truck as she says the proverbial, " Are we there yet? Is the ride over?" Over and over. Even though there is a part of me that wants to reach for the camo duck tape under the seat, I always say "Soon baby girl, soon." I know that all she wants is the ride to Grandma's to end. She wants to play with her cousins and have candy. Eventually, the driveway to Grandma's appears and the truck pulls to a stop. All I want, is to know what happens, after the disappointment, and I don't want to wait.
The anticipation, in the mean time, can be too much, especially when disappointment preceded it. I can't flip to the next chapter, to read how it all ends, skip the disappointment, and find the silver lining on the other side. I have to survive the disappointment, to find the silver lining, so God, I'm waiting.
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I too hate waiting - it's the worst thing I know. Is part of the problem perhaps that we live in a 30-second-attention-span world with lots of instant gratifications?? Regardless, I too remember being sick to my stomach with waiting: waiting for money to show up, waiting to bad times to go over, waiting to be healthy. Now that things are looking up for the first time in years, I can't wait to move onto "more important stuff": can't wait to be in my new house, can't wait to buy a new sewing machine, can't wait to start the life I want to. I wrestle with a paradox - I feel guilty for being impatient and feel I have a right to be impatient at the same time - I've been waiting for an awfully long time. It's hard to constantly remind myself to bow my head down and accept the progress of my life as it is. I often have the thought that God must think I'm a stubborn and feisty little bugger....
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